Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Just Say Yes!

Every Wednesday, I take time out to make a wish. Using the prompt so lovingly provided by Jamie Ridler, I cast my wish into the universe. This week, Jamie asks:

What do you wish to say "yes" to?

OK, so my first response is not all that profound - my size 6 jeans that have been hiding in the bottom of my closet for 5 years. However, my ass and my appetite are shouting a great big, "Oh hell no!" to that one, so I guess I'll have to think of something more sublime.

I wish to say "yes" to my muse. I've told her to go away so many times with lame excuses like "I'm too busy right now," or "I'm just not in the mood today." I've hidden from her because I am afraid of her power and her truth. I've even just flat out slammed the door in her face so I wouldn't have to come up with an excuse. I'm ashamed. I shouldn't have taken her for granted.

After being told "no" so many times, she hasn't come knocking in a while. I'm afraid she may be a bit fed up with me. So today, I say "Yes. Whenever you are ready to visit me again, the answer is yes." And so I wait patiently.

Wishing you nothing but goodness today and always.


Sunday, October 18, 2009

Monday on my Mind - Two Dogs and The Artist's Way

In the introduction to The Artist's Way, the author warns that the journey will certainly involve highs and lows, and that the reader should expect explosive anger and grief and resistance. I read this. I believed it. Ijust didn't think she was talking about me. After all, she doesn't know me. How can she just assume that I will fall into the Pit of Despair?

Well, I have. All of this self-discovery and excavation is hard. It is exhausting, and it is damned frustrating. I've been in a pretty bleak place, but then yesterday an incredibly wise woman shared a story with me that I'd like to share:

A shaman told his apprentice, "I have two dogs fighting in me all the time. One is good and happy and peaceful. The other is evil and sad and destructive."

The apprentice asked his master, "Which one will win?"

The shaman replied, "Whichever one I feed."

This same wise woman, only moments before, had been reflecting on those times when we read something or we hear something and we know that it is for us - almost as if the universe has placed those words in front of us at just the right moment because they contain some truth that we need at exactly that moment. Well, when she told me that story, I had one of those moments. I felt like I'd been hit by a two by four.

Don't we all have these inner conflicts? Not necessarily the big Good vs. Evil, but maybe more subtle conflcits. We have one dog who is justifiably angry about injustices suffered fighting with a sweet puppy who just wants to let go of the anger and be happy. We have the confident, outgoing labrador battling it out with a submissive, fearful spaniel. We have the talented, creative genius fighting it out with the insecure, blocked artist-child. Though outside forces may have some impact, aren't we really the ones feeding the dogs?

Personally, I have way more than two dogs fighting in me right now, and they are being particularly vicious lately. I've been feeling a little battered and bruised, so I kind of withdrew for a while. Honestly, I was in danger of setting up permanent residence at my own pity party for one. (I don't believe in sending out invitations for those; no one really wants to come anyway.) Then, along come this story that smacks me upside the head. I have to face the fact that I'm the one feeding all of those damned dogs.

Today I decided that I need to feed a dog that has been in danger of starvation. I played on the swings at the playground like I used to when I was 6. Swinging higher and higher, watching my toes reach for the blue infinity, and feeling the wind hug my face brought me joy that only a 6 year old flying through the sky can feel. While it didn't necessarily end the fighting, I'm starting to see how I can give the dog I so desperately want to win a fighting chance.

So, are you mindful of the dog you are feeding? How do you feed the dog that you want to win?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Wishing . . .

Every Wednesday, Jamie Ridler encourages us to cast our wishes out into the universe. This week she asks, "What do you wish to complete?"

Can you here my maniacal laughter? If I were to list all of the things I want to complete, I would spend the rest of the day completing that list. However, two items on that list stand out above the rest.

First of all, I want to complete a short story I've been writing in fits and spurts. I've been messing with it for a while, but I'm feeling a bit defeated by it. I seem to be quite good at writing snapshots; it's the big picture that gives me trouble. Anyway, I just want to finish it so I can move on to something else.

Now for the big one. I wish to have the courage to bring a rather important relationship in my life to completion. It is a relationship that does not nurture me, nor do I think it is nurturing the other person. I think we both feel stuck, but we stay because that is what people do. Because completing the relationship will be messy and painful. Because we are afraid. Because it will affect the one person we both love beyond words. So, I wish to have the strength to address this issue in the most compassionate and loving way possible. I think that is all I am prepared to say about this for now.

Wishing can be a dangerous thing, because sometimes you get what you wish for. What do you wish to complete today?