Monday, November 16, 2009

Monday on my mind - Fear and Loathing in the Pages

So, I've been kind of AWOL from blogging lately. I have all sorts of "legitimate" excuses - too much work, sick kid, blah, blah, blah.

The bottom line, however, is that I just haven't been able to face the page, or in this case the screen, in a while. I've been afraid of what I might say, what I might need to say. I blame it all on the Morning Pages.

I've been doing Morning Pages* religiously for a little over three months now. I've surprised myself with my dedication to the pages, but I truly love doing them. They are the one place I can be completely honest. That's part of the problem. The pages have forced me to become brutally honest with myself. There is no hiding from myself in the pages. I've had to face myself as I truly am - warts and all.

This has been a little uncomfortable sometimes. Facing my true self rather than the artificial mask I wear to fit into this carefully constructed suburban world has made me angry. I'm so angry with myself for letting Me be marginalized so that I could conform to a lifestyle that represents everything I loathe. I guess, at some point, I thought conforming would be easier. Maybe it has been, but I no longer recognize myself in the mirror. The sparkling green eyes I've always loved are dull, dead.

I feel like I've been "lost in a haunted wood" for the past five years. Now that I am finding my way out, I am really pissed off at myself. Getting myself out of this situation is going to be a lot harder than getting myself in to it. I have to, though. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of being angry. After filling two notebooks with my fear and loathing, it is time to do as my granny used to say, "Shit or get off the pot." I can't fill another page without taking a step in a new direction. It doesn't have to be a big step, but it has to be a step. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

So, on my mind this Monday is - What can I do today to put Me back in the captain's seat of my life ship so that I can turn my ship to my true North?

I'm not sure yet. I'll let you know. In the meantime, check out this post from Patti Digh at 37 days.

What step do you need to take to align your life with your true North?

*The morning pages consist of three to four pages of stream of consciousness writing that are part of the creative recovery process outlined in The Artist's Way.


  1. ...but you have taken the first step sweetie, in sharing your journey and opening up to anyone but yourself you have taken the first step! Don't be so hard on yourself, berating yourself for the past will not help you on your journey. Take the lessons you have learned and use them well. I do believe I can see the glimmering of your beautiful green eyes right now!!!

  2. Your honesty made me want to read much more from you. You are on the right path and I hope to witness this beautiful transformation that's about to take place. :)